Monday, December 16, 2013

Too Much

~ ~ ~
It's mid December.
I survived my fifth surgery
in less than two years.
Eighteen months
to be exact.
I am now stone free.
My kidneys are good.
My left is stable for now.
May have to have it out
at no notice
but for now it is fine.
I had both operated on.
Since my kidneys love
to make stones.
The right is not damaged
as of yet.
I'll work on that. Not.
My heart was fine
during surgery.
Which surprised everyone.
Something went right for once.
I am home.
Almost recovered.
The surgery takes a toll
on my old back.
Ice packs have helped
but it still goes out
without notice.
Annoying to say the least.
May the Holiday now begin.
 Mentally I'm worn out
but my spirit is still here.
No more is what I ask.
Give me some time to relax
and enjoy a normal life.
Is that too much to ask for ?
~ JC ~

Monday, November 18, 2013

Warmth Needed

I am in hibernate mode.
This cooler weather has done me in.
The rain has arrived.
Not terrible but annoying.
Still have a few leaves
and the birds are still here.
Without that entertainment
I really don't know
what I'd do.
This being inside all the time
is just not for me.
I loved the past Spring and Summer.
I was able to be outside
most afternoons.
Either reading or just enjoying
the yard and it's surroundings.
I really need to move.
~ JC ~

Saturday, November 2, 2013


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was bad news for me.
Nice man told me that it didn't work.
My fancy robotic surgery.
I've had two kidney surgeries.
Was told that I am worse instead of better or even stable.
Being schedule for surgery on my other kidney.
Have to repair that one too.
Was told that normally, we'd just leave those stones.
Not now.
We are in prepare to have one.
As in, table of one.
I'll take the kidney.

I'm in shock, I think.
Cried a bit but all that does is make my eyes look old
and worse than they were before.

Explains a lot though.
Pain wise.

No matter what I do, this old body of mine keeps thinking
of ways to get me.

I still plan on winning.
It's getting harder though.

I thought about it.
I'll give it one more try.

I am getting tired though.
Just want to give up.
I'm almost at that point.

~ JC ~

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Sitting pretty, I was until the thoughts kept coming to me.
Where and why.
I don't have those answers.
Never have and probably won't ever.
I've actually been quite happy going along my path.
Walking and looking at things I see.
Hearing the sounds of life along the way.
Never did it get to me that I was just doing.
Nothing special. Not me.
I'm a quite soul.
Recently, I have the need to be doing more.
I don't know what yet.
Whether it's a shift in location or being.
Time, it might be running on me.
Thus, the need to figure this out.

~ JC ~

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Just Saying

I have lost my ability to throw it all away and just dance.
I will look for it.
I will get it back.
Life does get to me sometimes.
I wish it didn't but it does.
I am not perfect. Not even close.
I sit here in my woods and I think.
Way too much.
About what was and what could have been.
The trail ahead of me is bumpy.
Too much so for a soft soul like me.
Only I keep going.
I always have.
I always will.
Only I'd like to dance along the way
and that I will find .. I will.
Maybe this afternoon.
I will remember that it is ok to be me.
I will be fine.
I won't cry every other minute.
It won't hurt to walk.
This is only temporary .. right.
The pain gets to me sometimes.
Only a bit cause I am used to it.
The heart that beats too fast
and makes me dizzy.
I will get that under control.
I will. I will.
The kidney that is not behaving.
Oh, let's just take that out.
Why not.
Like I said, sometimes it all gets to me.
All of it at the same time.
Today, yesterday, the day before that,
it took away my ability to dance.
Maybe today. I can be me again.
The world that I pretend in
will allow me to ...
Just saying over here in my woods.
Just saying that life is hard sometimes.
Just saying ...
~ JC ~

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


~ ~ ~
Think she said but I didn't know what she meant.
Oh to be that girl again.
Not knowing the roads of life.
Just wanting and doing.
The years have worn their path on her.
She walks the crowds and no one knows.
The hope she once had.
She does though.
The memories of what she had
and what she thought she had.
People say that we get wiser with age.
I think we just get worn out from trying.
~ JC ~

Thursday, October 3, 2013


~ ~ ~
I told myself that I was fine with it.
Only I'm not.
I try each day to go on.
Like nothing is wrong.
It is.
I've stretched out a sentence
into many years and more.
I get tired some days.
Like I am now.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
That is my hope.

Monday, September 30, 2013


~ ~ ~ 
The time has caught up with me.
I try oh so hard to hide.
Just when I feel like I've done it,
I get reminded that I have not.
I am in that mode now.
A reminder that I am who I am.
Not to run away.
Nope, not this time.
I will always be reminded.
It does not like me.
Thus, I keep on going.
Always living just in that moment.
Always knowing.
~ JC ~

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Fresh Air

~ ~ ~
I sit and wonder.
The new start of it.
The journey I have walked.
Stumbling along the way.
Fresh to breathe but so sore.
The air is different here.
I do enjoy the time to think.
What did I do that brought me here ?
~ JC

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

At Some Point

~ ~ ~
There are things that happen
and you just can't do anything about them.
You think and decide to let it be.
Talking about it would make it worse.
Not accomplish or fix anything.
At some point, I gave up.
Did all I could but still it was my fault.
I am worn out.
I care but I can't give anymore.
I wish the best.
May the world be good.
Only I can't be there.
May the stories I told be enough.
The battles be fair.
The angles be known.
I cannot do or be anymore.
I'm tired.
I wish things had been different
but personalities and wills were not.
I can't be blamed for everything.
I can walk away now.
Sad that it is this way.
At some point the blame must
be seen for what it really is.
~ JC ~

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Thinking Out Loud

~ ~ ~
I still do not understand the anger within some people.
Life is hard. It hurts. Why take it out on others ?
Some situations are not easy to care for.
I think things through.
Always trying to be kind.
It just who I am.
Only I do have a point where I want to explain.
Give my life advice on how to handle things.
The why are they doing and acting the way they are.
Only some people just are mean.
Must have been their childhood.
Only I didn't have the best either.
At some point you have to grow up.
You must be responsible for your actions and words.
I am.
Some aren't.
I have a neighbor who took something very simply
and turned it into a huge deal.
Being so rude and I was still trying to be nice.
Only now I would love to write her a note
telling her to be nice to others.
I do believe she was a bully in school.
No other explanation fits.
She was and will always be one of those people.
I simply asked who's cat was coming into my yard
and if they could please put a collar
with a bell on it as it was killing
the birds in my yard.
Yep, terrible of me wasn't it.
All hell broke out and she wrote me
terrible paragraphs.
One of those people where you
think do I need to worry.
So, I finally sent all of these notes she'd sent to
the homeowners association board website
so all could see what she'd been saying.
Silence from her.
Was she drinking at the time.
Who knows but like I said,
everyone has something going on in their lives
and you need to put that on the shelf
and deal with each item 
on it's own.
In a polite adult manner.
Some people never will.
Just saying ...

Never dull over here in my woods.

I now have a bird sound deterrent thingy
coming in the mail.
Supposed to make the cat go away.

Oh, and this person lets her cat out
when she knows we have coyotes.
That's the reason she won't put a bell
on her cat. It might attack them.
Seriously, indoor only like mine are.
This is what I'm dealing with.
And, it just went on from there.
Her new name, to me, is crazy lady who lives across the street.

~ JC ~

Tuesday, September 3, 2013


~ ~ ~
Silence after the noise
Quiet is the sky
No sounds coming
Freshness of the new
Someone took the sounds
filtered them
Turned the loud into soft
Listening is easy now
~ JC ~

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


~ ~ ~
When thinking has turned into done.
Gone through all the turns.
Made a wise decision.
Been there and gone back.
At peace with the final words.
Resting now.
Quiet of the morning birds.
I am at peace.
~ JC ~

Monday, August 26, 2013


~ ~~ 
The uproar of the moment 
that took so long.
Always in the back of your mind.
Who's thoughts are you thinking.
It doesn't seem to be real.
I want yesterday back.
Or was it so long ago
that I can't recall
when it was fine
to be me.
I want those back.
The days of when I laughed.
I don't do that much.
I want what I dreamed of,
The realness of being me.

JC ~

Saturday, August 24, 2013


~ ~ ~
The lie I live
Not to be told
Wasting away
Turning in the night
Frustration over who
Make it this way
It was me
~ JC~

Friday, August 23, 2013

I Will

~ ~ ~
Touched by the silence that is my life.
I am aware of what I do not have.
I hear the voice speak to me.
It was not near.
It felt my soul.
It is nothing but me.
I know the healing must start.
I am wounded and hurting.
I walk although I am no more.
Brave I am.
Stupid is more like it.
I let my guard down
and now I am in pain.
The scars will heal.
I will be fine.
I always am.
I always will be.
It just hurts a lot this time.
Oh well, thus is my life.
Quiet, someone might hear.
Oh who am I kidding.
~ JC ~

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

If I Were

~ ~ ~ 
If I were younger,
I'd walk away
Looking towards the sky
Thinking of what was next
Hoping for something
anything to make it better
If I were wiser,
I'd know to keep on going.
Don't get fooled by what is.
Know that nothing
would be better than this.
If I could,
I'd make a new life
Just for me and my gang
I'd never look back
I'd forget
And, before long
I'd be young again.
Even if in my memories
of those dreams
I had
and those that
I thought I wanted
If I were what I thought I was
~ JC ~

Monday, August 12, 2013

Hiding In The Heat

~ ~ ~ 
I took him to the edge.
He looked and walked off.
It's a different world.
Too hot for me.
He's used to it.
Knows where to go.
Manages his way.
No burns so far.
Among the numbers,
he is hidden within sight.
No one knows him.
He's right there.
Hiding in the heat.
~ JC ~

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


~ ~ ~
Fine lines running through my life.
Time to erase  them.
This way and back.
No end to the angles.
See them sideways.
Watch it get stuck,
Never going forward.
Lines are mean.
I try to cross.
Don't do that.
Looking at them.
Just sit.
Don't even bother.

~ JC ~

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Don't Look Back

Someone whispered, what was that.
I kept on walking.
Thinking how odd that was.
Again, I hear it.
The crackling of the wind perhaps.
The song of the many birds in the woods.
Not really sure.
I go on with my day.
I hear it in the traffic of the many cars.
Just under the roar of the world.
Only, I still don't know what it is.
In my sleep, I dream of better times.
Youth and walking and being me.
The older lady dreams of what she loved.
The girl is in the woods.
Turns her head.
She hears something.
What is that ?
The older lady tells her it that darn clock.
Time is after you.
Go faster than you wanted.
Don't turn your head next time.
Time, it's always going to be there.
Making you turn.
Just don't look.
Keep walking.
Don't look back.
Tick, tick, tock.
~ JC ~

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Quiet

~ ~ ~ 
The quiet is loud today.
I sit listening.
Hearing the birds and wind.
The trees sway to the sounds.
Me, I look and notice.
Always have enjoyed it.
The way life does it's rounds.
I live in the woods.
Surrounded by life.
I don't need talk
as much as I do a
mew or a chirp.

I take in what I hear.
What did I do with my day ?
I learned from the best.
Enjoyed what I saw.
Hope for more lessons.
Will come back.

I like my life too much.

Just Saying ...

~ JC ~

Friday, May 31, 2013

Thoughts On A Cloudy Friday

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Life is just crazy.
Up and down.
Could I just get the medium for a while.
Just asking nicely here.

Been in a battle for over a year now.
When I think back, which I have been doing,
I have been kicking at it for a long long time.
It just became a massive battle within this last year.
I didn't even know I was fighting.
If I had, maybe I could have won.

Today, I am exhausted .. mentally and physically.
This body of mine just won't give me a break.
Just when I feel good, I wake to this.

I will, like I always have, keep going on.
Only I had told myself, this is it.
No more surgeries.
I'm done if this doesn't work.
And, it seems, that it may not have.

I will hopefully have a few days to relax.
Meds and pain pills with, of course.
I might just lose what's left of me this time.
How much can one take I ask.
I guess I will find out.

So, there you go.
On this sort of nice cloudy day.
How I wish.
Oh I do wish.

Just saying ...

~ JC ~

Friday, May 17, 2013

Not Easy Going Home

~ ~ ~
A trip back home can make one think.
The youth and wonder.
Only when forced to remember,
do I think of her and what she wanted.
The dreams.
I did not do or end up like she thought.
Knowing more of the hurt of life,
I wish I could go back and whisper.
You will be fine.
Even if your dreams don't come true.
You will survive.
When you look in the mirror,
what you will see is the blue
of the eyes that used to want.
The grey of the hint of wonder.
I knew you well.
I liked what you needed.
The thoughtfulness of your dreams.
The world happened and you stepped
and lived what you didn't know.
No going back.
You did it well.
Head up.
Pretend that everything is fine.
No one will know.
It's a secret that you and I won't tell.
~ JC ~

Friday, May 10, 2013

Old Bricks

~ ~ ~
Thinking that she should have bought a smaller size, she pulled at her new pants. Up they went as she walked. The old bricks made the path a bit bumpy for her. She looked around a bit noticing the old style of the houses. Some had been made into small businesses. A lawyer, a chiropractor and even a spa. Next to her was a bar with an odd name. She mentally tried saying it but lost her concentration when one of the bricks made her look down so she wouldn't fall. At the end of the street, was the destination. A small but very popular eatery. Another place that had been fixed up and made into a neighborhood restaurant. Looked nicer than she'd thought it would. As she waited for her table, she went outside to read the menu that was on the wall. A breeze blew at her and she thought she should have brought her jacket.  Was it too far to walk back to the car ? With that thought, she went back inside and was told by the rest of her party that they were next. No coat needed  after all.
~ JC ~
(a woman walks to a neighborhood restaurant
 with friends on an old brick sidewalk while thinking of other things.)

Friday, May 3, 2013

She Writes On Friday

~ ~ ~
My soul bleeds for what it wanted.
Thoughts leaving in waves.
Nothing is left but tiny drops.
I think of what I need.
I am hollow.
How do I walk ?
I do not know.
Going forward always.
Never stopping.
Mending as I step.
I'll be fine.
That's what I tell myself.
I put my hand out to catch
a few of what is still me,
I put it back and hope it
keeps the rest inside.
~ JC ~

Friday, April 26, 2013

Sitting In The Sun

~ ~ ~
It's been so nice, weather wise, in my woods.
Actually sat out back without a sweater.
That's a first for this year.
Means that Spring is finally here.
Of course it has to be in the sun
cause those clouds remind
of the colder days
that are just beyond the woods.
Remembering, the chill.
Add in a bit of wind
and the sweater is always
close by.
This week was relaxing.
Sitting in the sun.
Watching the girls,
Maddy Jean and Jodie Belle,
playing in their woods.
It's a big yard with their toys
and woods surrounding the fence
with a few trees down the hill.
Lots of fun for two girls.
Me, I sit on the deck.
Usually, with Meredith Ann.
If it's the right temp out.
She doesn't like it wet or too hot.
No, she's not spoiled. lol
Just when things were looking and feeling great,
I woke to a terrible sharp pain in my back.
Have it again today.
In the back of my mind,
I am thinking that it is kidney related.
On the left side, just too weird, really.
So, there you go.
I just can't seem to hide from this.
If it keeps up, I'll go see someone.
I'm thinking that if it's a stone,
maybe it will pass.
Wouldn't that be nice.
So, this not being able to run and hide stuff,
I got a bit crabby this morning
when I stubbed my toe
cause the dogs were in my way.
I yelled at them to get out of my way.
I started to cry.
Haven't done that the whole time.
Didn't let this kidney failure thing get to me.
Only it did .. today.
Cause all of this may not have worked.
Which means .. another surgery.
Take it out or put in another stent.
Like I said, I cried.
So, there you go.
Nice and not so nice.
I'll take the nice.
Enjoy your day.
I plan on it.
I'll let you know what happens.
Don't I always.
~ JC ~

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

What Can I Say

~ ~ ~
I don't know about this blogging thing.
Been doing it for a few years now.
Started cause an old friend of mine enjoyed it.
With time, I've written a few things
and discussed my life.
In the beginning, I had several followers.
Now, I have a few comments
but basically, no one reads either of my blogs.
How do some people make a living off of this ?
Not that I wanted to but how do they get so many
to read them on a daily basis and leave so many comments ?
I do not get it really.
So, this blogging thing is like a diary to me.
Write about what you want or thought for the day.
On my other blog, I do a Monday special.
This last one, I thought was great.
Good photos.
I get three or four
who comment regularly
but that's it.
Not that I'm complaining,
*I know it may sound like I am*
but why doesn't anyone
like my Monday special
*Meredith Ann*
as much as I do?
So, I will now change it up a bit.
It will totally be for me.
If anyone comments, so be it.
My stupid thoughts of being a fab writer,
who gets discovered and makes a living.
*yes, for one moment .. too much wine probably ..
I thought that I could do as others have done ..
and make a bit of cash o la by writing ..
I don't think that anymore, obviously *
So, this will be practice.
The words that end up here
will be from my soul.
Some will be fiction.
Who can tell ?
And, some will be real.
Again, who can tell ?
Fun times, for sure.
I like Spring.
It brings out the new in me.
~ JC ~

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

This Time Of Year

This time of year can just get to you.
A bit of sunshine thrills the air.
Everything seems new.
You breath it in and it smells good.
Sit in it and it warms your soul.
A cloud stops by and you look mean at it.
It just took your best new friend, warmth.
I smiled today.
I sat in the sun.
I sat for a while in the clouds.
In I went.
Now, the dullness of what was light
is just plain mean and terrible.
I want that sunshine and bright smell back.
Enough of this cold stuff.
No more ice shows.
I like waking to the birds telling their stories.
I don't mind a drip drop on the window
but enough is enough of it.
I want Spring to actually be here.
Just the right temperature.
Not too cold .. tired of that.
Not too hot .. don't want to get the fans out of the attic.
I want that purrfect day.
And, I mean iced tea with no sweater
and flip flops.
Yes, I want to wear them.
They are on the shelf .. waiting for me to call their names.
That's what I want.
I get this instead.
Even the dogs are sad.
Seriously, sad dogs over here.
Do I really have to make some hot tea ?

~ JC ~

Friday, April 12, 2013

Wish I Knew

~ ~ ~
What to do now.
That is the question.
Sit and ponder this thing called life.
It's had so many twists and turns.
Did I have a direction ?
Did I get lost along the corridors ?
I like walking by myself.
Taking in the sights.
Learning from my directional turns.
I'm always redoing in my mind.
Quiet. I am.
There was a time when I knew.
I had a plan.
Only it didn't work.
I got lost.
Growing up will do that.
Things did not go my way.
I adjusted to the facts.
I rethought my life.
It would be fine.
It passes.
I look in the mirror.
Who is that ?
Just an older.
A wiser.
Ask any question and she will know.
Only she doesn't.
So, I ask.
Knowing she doesn't know.
She'll tell me to figure it out.
What do I want ?
What do I need ?
I wish I knew.
~ JC ~

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Thoughts On Thursday

~ ~ ~ 
Traveling far she sat to rest her feet.
Nothing like this had happened to her before.
She was a mess.
Clothes were torn just a bit.
Her soul was wounded to yesterday and twenty years forward.
She'd just walked.
Ran for a bit but realized she didn't know where she was going.
Her mind just thought to go.
Don't turn back.
That part of her life was now over.
Only what could she do ?
Where could she live ?
She thought of the woods.
Maybe she could build herself a place.
Only she had nothing.
She'd left without a coat
let alone anything else.
No money.
Why had this happened to her ?
What had she done so wrong ?
Her mind was lost.
Frozen in nothingville.
Just walk.
So, she got up and did just that.
The sun would set soon.
She needed to find a place to rest.
Maybe over there.
~ JC ~

Thursday, March 28, 2013

As The Sun Shines

~ ~ ~
And as they say,
time heals all things.
Most, some .. one or two.
And who is they?
My Mother told me lots of things.
Her Mother told her and so on.
I told my children.
Like, busy as a bee.
That one I understood.
This all leads to me getting just a bit better.
I mentally am sort of healed.
Still waiting til the end of next week.
That's when I have my last mini surgery.
I will then know if this latest kidney surgery has worked.
I still may have troubles, as I did last time,
but I'll know more next weekend.
I sit here thinking.
Dare I do that.
I cannot stand or walk too much
without a lot of pain.
(when you have major kidney surgery
they send you home with extras
which have to stay with you
for six weeks.)
So, even though I am feeling
a bit better, I cannot do a lot.
I sit, think,
nap, plan,
hope and count the days.
If I forget for a moment,
do too much,
I have to go get a pain pill.
Just a half of one helps a lot.
This being so sick,
makes one think in short term.
I just want to enjoy my day.
I want that ever elusive peace
that I've mentioned so many times.
This thinking stuff makes me
realize that I've been sick
a lot in my years.
Too much really.
Mostly due to spine
or kidney problems.
Things that I have no real control over.
It does make me think
about my life
and what I've done
and what I've not.
I watch a lot.
I mentally write things down.
Could I have done better,
you bet ...
will I from now on ...
I hope so.
And, as the sun shines
through my window,
I have made a list
of what I'd like to do today.
I am as always hopeful.
~ JC ~

Thursday, March 21, 2013

So There

~ ~ ~ ~
Been a while, I know.
First, I survived my nasty kidney surgery.
Took more of a toll on me than I had thought it would.
Course, I didn't think about it, really.
When they tell you, you'll die or you have to have this surgery,
you kind of go with surgery.
I knew the basics.
Robotics and lots of possible outcomes.
I got the best one.
They fixed it.
At least, they think they did.
The recovery, well, that's been hard.
Me, being old, and the nasty robotics thing.
Well, it's taken longer to feel like me,
than I thought it would.
On week four and just now being able to do a few things.
Like, be down stairs and look at the woods.
On the puter, doing this and that.
Tired but better than last week.
Better than yesterday.
So, I think things are going swell.
Have one more mini surgery next month.
Then, we will see.
Did this fancy reconstruct everything work.
If it didn't, than I'll have another surgery.
This time, to take it out.
All of this, was to save it.
Not to improve it's ability.
Just to save it.
Hopefully, it won't be causing me anymore trouble.
By trouble I mean, causing me to go into failure.
I had been told that I could go into renal failure
at anytime. Thus, this surgery was sort of an er thing.
Get it done as soon as possible were the words.
So, I am hopefully.
Scarred but hopeful.
No bikinis for me. lol
And, now let's talk about my roots.
You could drive down the center.
Only I can't get out to get them fixed
for another three weeks.
Oh who cares, I lived.
Damn the other stuff.
It's not important.
I lived.
So there.
~ JC ~

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

What A Great View

~ ~ ~
There was a time when I needed more than I got.
Confused and upset was my middle name.
With time, I realized that being just me was fine.
Only that takes a long time to get to that place.
I wanted so much.
I got only a glimmer.
Was sad for the wanting
that didn't get satisfied.
Knowing how well I could have done.
Never getting that chance.
It took several years to be OK with it.
Not being what I thought I would.
Living a totally different life.
Setting new goals.
Being a person who did what had to be done.
It takes a toll on a soul.
Today, I know what it takes.
The journey and breaking down.
If I could tell myself, that I'd be fine.
That the worry wasn't worth it.
That time machine called life
would kick me so many times
that I'd get used to it.
Nah, the journey.
It's the walking along that path
that gets us to the moments
we are in.
Was my walk hard.
At times, yes it was.
Others got while I did not.
The learning curve was high.
Each time, I would evaluate.
Knowing that it was worth it.
So, as I sit here thinking
about my life,
I know that for the most part
I had a hell of a ride
and would do it all again.

~ JC ~

(These are my thoughts as I go into my 
sort of dangerous surgery tomorrow.
I could be fine, if everything goes well. 
A bit sore (to say the least) and should
recover after a few weeks.
 Or, things go wrong.
 Oh well, I'm used to that.
Anyway, it's been a fun ride.
 Bumpy but what a great view I had.)

Friday, February 15, 2013

Thoughts Of You

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The past waits.
Unclear as to when it will come back.
And, come back it will.
No warnings.
Just sitting there.
Staring you in the face.
Haven't thought of you in a while.
Yet, you sat there like it was yesterday.
Reminding me of what I lost.
Youth and the mind set that goes with it.
Could I really have been that young.
Done all of those things.
And, walked away and never looked back.
Seems like a life time ago.
Someone else's life, not mine.
You smiled at me with the smirk of yours.
Knowing all that we went through.
The pain it took to walk from you.
Still you remind me of who I was.
Hidden within she still is.
Forgotten but part of who I am today.
I look back and see you for the reason you are.
Not to go over the bad but to remind of the new.
You will always be a part of me.
Even if I'd forgotten, just for a while,
who you were.

~ JC ~

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Give Me Strength

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I don't know what to say except I've been busy.
Doing my list of this and that.
Several appointments.
Tests and things to get ready for next week.
Dealing with stupid insurance companies.
Who changes the ID number on a card
a month after the first card was issued ?
My insurance company.
No letter.
Had to call them.
They said they didn't know anything about it.
Called me later in the day and told me to use the new number.
I then had to call all sorts of places.
I will probably get billed for those that use the wrong one.
Just part of dealing with all of this.

One more appointment this week.
Then, time off for good behavior, I guess.
My surgery is late in the week.
Day before is prep day,
so, I'm home that then too.

I go tomorrow for a last check in
with the surgeon who is fabulous
but not personable .. you know how that goes.

Have to have my what to wake up to list.

And, emotionally, I'm doing fine.
Was a mini wreck for a while.
It's the little things.
Might be like that again.
For now though, I'm fine.
Maybe cause I'm in pretend mode.

At the testing area for surgery,
where I was today,
there were so many who checked in,
(I got there a bit early and was waiting)
heart troubles, other troubles,
things I wouldn't want to have.
Oh, what am I saying,
I do have heart trouble.
Just not the kind the two people
were describing test wise to the lady.

So, I hope to have some dignity
when I wake up and find what I do.
When I come home, and reality bites me.

Oh, please please give me the strength
to make it through this.

That's all I'm asking ...

Til next time,

~ JC ~