Silence

~ ~ ~

Listen in the silence, so no one else can hear.

The thoughts of others traveling in your air.

I know the eyes that know the voice.

The channel of your views that walk your talk.

I see the looks that make you be.

Will not the value of your light be seen.

I know the truth.

The air you need to walk.

The knowledge you have that makes you real.

I listen to you.

I can hear your thoughts.

I look at you and you speak.

You are me.

I am you.

We all know what we mean.

 

~ JC ~

So There

The view from my beach place.

I'm staying here for a few weeks

while my old house in the woods

is being fixed up a bit.

~ ~ ~

With time and light, a new hope arrives.

I usually give myself a few days to recover.

Emotionally and other wise too.

What that means is that I pretend.

That bad stuff is over.

It was all a mistake.

I continue on through whatever pain I'm in.

It gets to me sometimes.

Other times, I throw it away.

Again, all a mental game.

The emotions of being in pain is tough.

Harder than I would have ever thought life could be.

Only I'm not ready yet.

To give up.

I keep on going like nothing has happened.

I start new each day.

Before I get up, I say a little something.

Hoping that I will be ok today.

If I walk slower, maybe I won't be in pain.

It sometimes works.

Sometimes not.

So, for today, I write my list.

I hope to get some things done.

It's the Holidays.

I don't want to be an old in pain lady.

Nope, I do not.

Whatever is waiting for me in the future,

can just wait.

I don't want to know about this option or that.

I have cancelled all Doctor appointments.

I don't care about this failure or that.

It can wait til January or maybe February.

I am in no hurry to be in pain.

I mean more pain than I already am.

I will pretend that nothing is wrong with me.

I'm going to do that til I can't do it anymore.

It's the Holidays.

I have things to do.

 

So there.

 

~ JC ~

Survivor

~ ~ ~

Been a while since I wrote.

Lots going on.

When isn't there actually.

Life sure has a plan for me.

Not always the one I want though.

There is an unknown trail that I follow.

Being lead by the this and that in my life.

I try. Oh, do I ever try.

Dealing with lots of health issues.

And, I mean lots.

If it were just one, even that would be a lot.

Nope, I get the three for one special.

Heart, Back and Kidney.

Let's have them all go out on me at the same time.

At this point, everything can be fixed.

At least, that is my hope at the moment.

Course, what do I know.

I have been trying to survive this old body of mine

for over seven years now.

Damaged goods would be the term for me.

I enjoy my life.

If I'm not in a lot of pain, it's been a good day.

Only it reminds me of my battle.

It says, borrowed time you silly old lady.

Don't forget that I am after you.

I will get you.

You like those hospital halls.

You thought I'd let you get away.

What a silly old lady.

And, still I fight.

Cause I am the one who got away.

I survived sepsis and woke up from a coma.

I relearned to walk and learned most of the words I lost along the way.

I stay at home so that my damaged mind is settled.

I write lists.

I try oh so hard.

To someone else, I look like an old lady.

Only I have the secret to surviving.

Be mad at hell that this has happened.

And, drink and be merry.

Will my survival skills work for me this time.

I really do not know.

As of now, I'm looking at two maybe three surgeries.

Will I wake up from them.

Maybe.

And, the pain that will come with them.

Oh, won't that be fun.

So, for today I write.

I say to the world

Hell No I Won't Go.

 

~ JC ~

Shall We

             ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Who told you to do that?
Look over here at me.
During these wild months.
Blowing with me to the end.
I don't know my path.
It's been rather bumpy lately.
Never a smooth trail ahead.
Still, I make it through.
Always have.
Always will.
Like I said, if you're walking with me,
you're in for a wild adventure.
I don't bend to anyone.
I feel the beat of a tired heart.
I walk a bit slower.
Noticing the clouds and smaller things.
If you go the other way, with someone else,
you won't see the world I do.
It will be easier.
Mine is not.
It's never dull by my side.
You'll have a hell of a time,
while walking with me.
It's a world of unknowns.
The path I lead.
You didn't really want to know this.
You want to turn back.
I don't blame you.
I would if I could.
So, shall we go ?

~ JC ~

See It My Way

~ ~ ~

Sit with me for a while.

See what I hear.

The reasons I think the way I do.

Always taking in the voices and views.

You'd have a great time.

Seeing thinks my way.

The world would open to you.

It's quiet but real.

The world that I hear.

 

~ JC ~

Do Over

~ ~ ~

 

I cannot move the thrown wasted time.

No one knows how to do that.

I can only rewind the materials left behind.

I always wish that I could go back.

Make the different path appear.

Only even if I knew what I do know,

 I wouldn't be able to feel the new one.

Only I'd be wiser, I think.

This time around.

If only, I had that chance.

 

~ JC ~

Rainy Thoughts

~ ~ * * ~ ~ * * ~ ~

The thoughts I have are mixed.

Nothing seems the same.

Going forward is cloudy.

Rain pours from the blueless sky.

I look out the window and wonder.

Where did the dreams of my youth go ?

Did they blow away with the leaves ?

I sometimes remember who I was.

It hurts to do that.

I go on like I always have.

New dreams.

New life.

It's silly to think about the then.

The dreams I had that didn't happen.

The now that is.

Weather will do that.

Change and twirl.

Like my life and my past.

 

~ JC ~

 

Mood

I'm in one of those moods.
The melt into the walls kind.
The don't leave home without a reason kind.
The wait til you have to kind.
The no need to go kind.
The heal your soul kind.

Oh, I do what needs to be done.
Nothing else.

Why ?

I think I'm in a mini break down.
More like a break away.
From the things that I have no control over.

If I don't need to do something, I won't.
I need reasons.
I need thoughts.
If the thoughts don't match the reasons,
the answer will be no.

Just the mood I'm in lately.

~ JC ~

Strength

~ ~ ~

There are times in a life where

you just have to stand up for yourself.

That is what I did recently

 even though it was a hard decision.

Some things and people like to run over or damage

 and then say sorry.

Nope, not this time.

I explained that this time sorry wasn't going to do.

I know that this person knew what they were doing

and did it anyway.

I didn't let them get away with it.

They are no longer in my life.

 

With that being said, I also am in take care of business mode.

I can no longer put up with things .. stuff ..

 craziness really that I don't want to.

Not like when I was younger and just did.

Put it under the rug so to speak.

Not anymore.

Clean up mode was what I was doing.

 

If I don't like something or someone,

I do not need them in my life.

 

Be it a service or a person.

 

Just the mode I am in right now.

 

I can do nothing about what happens to me

what is thrown at me or my loved ones

but I can do something about how I handle

these things and I am in fight mode and

from that I have become stronger.

 

Strength comes from within.

Cause physically I'm not strong at all.

It's all a mental thing and I'm getting good at it.

So, watch out Universe

cause if you are coming after me

you have a battle on your hands.

 

Just saying ...

 

~ JC ~

Maddy Jean

My dog is having surgery tomorrow.
I took her in for her yearly check up.
Ends up she has six tumors.
We got the call later that day.
One is cancer.
A mean type.
So, tomorrow I drop her off.
I hope everything goes well.
They are taking a lot out of my Dear girl.
I've been told to expect a huge incision.
We are hoping for stage one.
Didn't sound good if it's stage two.
So, stage one it shall be.
Her name is Maddy Jean.
She is nine years old.
She is my love.
She is my heart.

And, it is just one year ago
to this almost day, that I lost
my Sweet Bella to cancer.

So, I will not accept this.
It will not happen again.

Hell no Maddy Jean won't go !!!

~ JC ~

Be Still My Heart

~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, so far August has been interesting to say the least.

Two days ago, I went to my spine pain Doctor.

He talked to me about my options.

Put me on a med for the nerve pain.

We decided to wait for another spine injection

until my next kidney surgery is over next Fall.

He told me he could do it three times total.

The next step is surgery.

Fun talks that I have with these Doctors.

The next day, yesterday, I got into a heart Doctor.

Nice guy. Nice nurse. Every thing was going well.

Until, he listened to my heart.

He sure can move fast.

He flew actually.

I was having an ekg in two minutes.

He said I was having an episode

and he wanted to catch it.

I'm thinking, ok, was I at the Mariner's game.

I've always wanted to catch a ball.

Not really but I'd like to go home with one.

Anyway, he tells me I need a heart monitor.

Of course I do. Why not. It's this Summer's latest.

Isn't it ?

He walks me to his nurses station.

She's on the phone and gets me in right away.

Like now right away.

That never happens in real life.

So, I go over there and read a magazine.

Thinking, is this really happening.

It's kind of odd being taped and wired

and all while looking everywhere but

where this guy is doing things to you.

All the while pretending that he isn't

doing what he's doing.

At these moments,

 it would be so nice

to be a guy.

So, I am wired and plugged in for 48 hours.

Not bad so far except it's just plain odd.

And, that is the latest and wildest.

I'm thinking that August is going to fun.

It's been thrilling so far.

Enjoy your weekend,

~ JC ~

Muggy

                                           ~ ~ ~
Another muggy July has gone by in my beloved woods.
Overcast in the mornings,
maybe a bit of sunshine in the afternoons,
often times just clouds.
The evenings can be chilly or muggy as can be.

A few days were nice but only maybe seven .. tops.

Today, is one of those muggy, might be nice days.
I've already opened and closed windows several times.
I'm trying Summer clothes but will see if that lasts.

As you can tell, I'm on the West coast.
Not one of those warmer parts of my state.
That is for sure.

Only on one of those nice days.
It is gorgeous here.
Visitors are amazed that when the rain
leaves we have this wonder to enjoy.

With all of this weather wise going on,
I have endured another month of my
old lady pains.

They have improved.
I can walk.
I can stand.
Still in pain but not a ten.
Maybe a four to a six .. depending.

May August bring me a zero.
Ok, let's hope for a three.
Which means that I'd almost forget
what this mean back of mine has
done to me this Spring and Summer.

So, I raise my Diet Peach Ice Tea
to all of you .. ha ha .. all two or one of you,
and wish you a fabulous August.

~ JC ~

Progress

Another week has gone.
I've been busy with life.
I'd say that my pain level is better.
I'm able to do a few things.
Make coffee in the morning.
Feed the dogs.
Small but still so nice.

I can walk more.
With pain but more bearable.

I've gone to a Dr.
She's sending me to a Cardiologist.
Due to my heart going crazy during my kidney surgery.

I'll make that appointment for August sometime.
I'm going in for my spine Dr. appointment in two weeks.
I put it out that far because I wanted to be able to take myself.
I wanted to be able to drive.
I like doing things myself without needed others to help me.

I got a bit of me back this week.
I drove with an ice pack on my back.
I got there and walked very slowly with my cane.
Still I did that three times this week.
Major progress.

I also, made decisons about my life.

I don't need to do things that I don't want to do.
I live in a different world than most.
The simply pleasures of sitting outside
watching my dogs play in the sun
without me being in pain.
That is all I needed.
And, I got that.

So, this has been a good week.

~ JC ~

At Least For Today

~ ~ ~ * * * ~ ~ ~

I am at peace for now.

The sun has brought me back.

Mentally that is.

I've sat in the warmth for days.

Thought of the past and dream of the new.

Spent my days rocking in my chair.

Sitting by the water just looking.

My pain is less.

Still there though.

Enough to remind me that I'm

not the same old cat lady who

lives in the woods.

It has given me hope.

Maybe with time

and ice, I can get better.

I goal is to drive.

To walk about at the grocery store.

That's a silly one but so needed.

You wouldn't believe what my

family brings home. Yikes !!!

I'd like to be able to stand

and make morning coffee.

To clean up the kitchen.

There are so many things

that require standing on

a leg that I'll let you make

that list for me.

Then add in walking a distance

say around a grocery store.

You have my problem.

And, as I said, I am hopeful.

At least for today.

* * *

~ JC ~

Tired

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm tired.
Worn out actually.
My leg pain has got the best of me.
As it continues on,
my ability to pretend has disappeared.
It's not new now.
Just a pain that will not go away.
It's real.
It's every single moment.
Very breath.

I don't sleep well.
Always in some sort of pain.
When I do,
I wake with the hope.
I move and there it goes.

I will start calling next week.
Til then, I will hope that
the next bag of ice
cures my back and
my leg pain will be gone.

One can hope.
I still have a bit of that left.

I don't do much.
I'm just trying to make it.
I'm sure some of you with pain
know what I mean.

I'm just tired.

~ JC ~

For A Moment

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I woke up and thought for just one moment
that I was normal but no I was not.
If only I could stay in that position forever
or for at least a day or two.
I get up and take that first step.
Seems ok.
Two more and the leg gets crampy.
A few more and I'm limping with pain.
By the time I make it to the bathroom,
I'm hurting like crazy.
Sitting seems to help.
Whatever is wrong with my lousy
old cat lady back seems to improve
with sitting.
Not always though.
The right leg cramps up terribly
on the bottom half of the leg.
Wraps around the leg and tries
to strangle the life out of it.
The foot turns almost blue
and the pain keeps on going.
Thus, if my life.
Pain is all in the levels.
Am I ever out of pain ..
no not really.
Except for that one moment
when I first wake up.
I'm usually in a good mood
in the morning.
All depends on how much I
have to walk.
I sit several times along the way
to wherever I need to go.
The pain is just that bad.
Doesn't matter where I am.
I have to sit.
Next week I will be on my own.
I have to start going to Dr's.
Won't that be fun.
No, it won't.
Are you all jealous
Do you want my pain
By the end of the day,
I'm worn out.
I go to bed early
and try to find the purrfect
place where my leg, foot what ever
won't hurt.
And, thus goes my stuggle to regain
what I used to be.

~ JC ~

Mental

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Today the sun is warm.
Yesterday, it was also cozy.
I am dealing.
It's all a mental game.
Yesterday, it (pain level) was better by ten percent.
That is saying a lot.
Today, it is different.
I can walk more without having to sit down.
By sit down, I mean literally sit down
wherever I am at the time.
Be it grass, floor or whatever.
What is wrong with my back
seems to improve if I sit
and find the perfect place
for my leg to be positioned.
Today, I am doing ok.
I am on ice constantly.
My leg improves if I put ice on it
and on my back at the same time.
Again, all a mental game.

I am thinking of a plan of attack.
Go to a primary care to tell her all
that is happening to me at the same time.
Go to a heart person to see why my heart races
and slows down. What a disaster that problem is.
Next, to the back specialist to see if they want
to do another procedure or wait til my second
kidney surgery is done .. in October.
Cause, the back specialist said he could only
do three procedures before he sends me to
a back Dr to operate. Which I think I'm leaning
towards at this point cause I can't figure out
how to keep this back from not being injured.
Since I do have to have another kidney surgery
done in a few months due to the kidney failure
diagnosis if I don't. And, let's not forget about
the heart which races during surgery. And, then
there is the possibility of having diabetes. Yes,
it's a multi problem kind of attack.

Thus, the need to get away with ice packs in hand
to figure out what to do next. A mental vacation
to say the least.

And, that as they say is today's update.
Not bad really. I'm doing much better mentally.
The physical me is down the drain but the mental
me is improving.

Oh, and I hope your 4th of July was fun.

~ JC ~

Walk With Me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, I was trying and still am, to pretend.
Only it's really hard to do.
My back, which started all this old body nonsense
in the first place, has decided to remind me of that.
My back is a total mess.
I mean a disaster.
I had a procedure done in early May to help it.
It sort of worked.
Then I had to have the kidney surgery
and the following three weeks of pain
followed by another kidney procedure.
A day later, I woke up to not being able to
put my foot down without a level 15 pain.
I have been like this for almost a week now.
Nothing will help. Nothing.
I am now dependent on others for everything.
I've used ice packs.
I use my cane but the pain is terrible after
just a few steps with me sitting down
and crying a lot.
I cry every day and lots.
I've gone over my future.
It isn't bright.
It isn't nice at all.
I'm using the pain pills from previous times.
My only choice is to pretend.
I am going away for a while.
When I get back, I will do the Dr. things again.
Only the back Dr. didn't give me pain meds.
He told me to do physical therapy.
I couldn't do that due to the kidney procedure.
Now, I can't walk.
I sit a lot.
Yesterday, I watched people walk and cried.
I am so envious of the simple things in life.
I am so mad at the universe.
I can't even tell you how upset I am.
I can't even make coffee.
I can't stand that long.
I am a mess.
I will keep trying to pretend.
I will.

~ JC and the squirrel who is yelling at me from my tree ~

Pretending

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's the end of June.

How did that happen ?

No, really .. how ?

I have been so busy with this stupid sick old body of mine.

Add in the bad terrible lousy weather and well, there you go.

Literally ... there you go.

April, May and June .. they went.

It's almost July.

I plan on being there.

On enjoying each day.

It better not rain.

Nope, I've had it with that.

Yesterday, I had my third surgery in three months.

This one was an in office procedure like one.

A mini surgery so to speak.

I'm clear .. got the a ok.

At least for three months.

Then, back I go.

Another surgery .. big one .. needed.

Something about kidney failure.

All sorts of yucky stuff was mentioned.

I was just thinking .. of course.

Blah, blah .. blah.

Oh, and don't forget the heart thing.

It went crazy weird during the big surgery.

It goes way too fast or too  high which ever it is.

Needs to be looked into before my next big surgery.

I thought .. right, I'll get on that like never.

So, today while the sun is out,

I will pretend that instead of what was said,

what really was said was,

You are good to go.

Nothing wrong with you.

Enjoy your Summer.

So, I will.

~ JC ~

Nothing

~ ~ ~

Nothing is going right.

The wind, rain and just every thing.

I am still melting.

I am trying so hard.

My world is swirling and not like chocolate

 and vanilla soft ice cream.

Not the perfect blend of both.

Just trouble in the making.

Sit at home and think mode.

Cry a bit mode.

Yell at the universe mode.

Yuck mode.

I'd like to say that I'm mad but I'm not.

I'm worn out.

I was taking all of this so well.

Ok, not really but I sure was trying.

I'm worn out.

I just am.

Nothing, nothing is going my way.

Nothing.

I'm tired.

I'm worn out.

I know I already said that.

I had plans.

I wanted to do something.

Now, I can't.

And, it's raining still, again.

At least I have cats to pet.

~ JC ~

I'm Melting

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My soul is buried at the moment.
I have been through the wave of being.
Landed in the valley of unknown.
Sat thinking in numbness.
Hoping this will all go away.
I just want me back.
I want this to all go beyond.
Only as I type this, I have parts.
Hidden within the body that is fighting me.
I've had two surgeries and am waiting for the third.
I would like to say that I am fixed.
On that lovely road back to being me.
Only the second surgery hurt my back.
The first surgery was on my back.
So, now as I wait for the third,
I know that the progress that was made
is back to what it was.
Just waiting for me to wake up.
For me to give up.
For me to melt.
And, I'm really very close to doing that.
Just saying ...

~ JC ~

Memory

I'm in whirl.
Stuck in the center.
Being blown this way and that.
Every once in a moment,
I feel like the old me.
I'm trying.
I see a long road.
I'm tired.
I'm remembering those days
where I walked without pain.
At least I have those in my memory.

~ JC ~

There Are Times

There are times in life when one is reminded of the past.
It comes up in a conversation.
Almost like it was walking by and stopped to say Hello.
Only it's not a welcome visitor.

I had one of those talks today.
In the midst of explaining how goofed up my extended family is,
I was reminded of something that happened a long time ago.

It surprised me how it was like it just happened.
Those memories of what was.
I found myself crying.
The feelings were too deeply rooted.

I pretend a lot about my in laws.
They are a weird bunch.
Not welcoming or kind at all.
To the look, they seem fabulous.
People love them.
Only not when the doors are closed.
Not when the claws come out.
Not when they call you, yelling.

I put up with this for years.
Finally, I stopped.
It meant a real break.
The perfect look they were going for was no more.
Blame me. Always say it was me.
Only as I sat back, letting their tongues wag,
time went on and others noticed.
Questions were asked.
I had to explain what happened.

And, today was one of those days.
Where I said politely but truthfully what was.
The reasons I did not attend these so called family events.
The times that I sit at home and they go without me.

It isn't me.
It's them.
The people who I do not want in my life.
The upset that they cause is just unreal.
And, this perfect family who pretends
is finally being found out.

Just like I knew they would be.

~ JC ~

Note ~ My husbands family is the kind you

hear about. The kind you don't ever want to be a part of.

The kind where they do the snide remarks and make it

look like you caused it. The kind that could drive

someone crazy. Thinking was it you. Nope, never was.

And, my children were kept away from these people.

Recently, we let them be around our almost grown

children. I did surface. I'm good at that. I waited.

And, they showed who they are. My children are

both wondering why we do anything with them.

I tell them that I was forced to for a long time.

That I do not anymore and that they do not have to

either. Only you do wonder, when will this all go

away. When ...

I'm Too Old For This

~ x o ~

Maybe it's just that I'm getting too old.

I don't know.

I got this cold. It seems semi easy.

As easy as a cold can be.

Nope, it fooled me.

I'm going into week two.

Terrible. Lousy. Yucky.

I need a break from this sneaky thing.

Add in that my back went out the day after

and well, I'm a mess over here in the woods.

I can't bend over to feed the Purr and Fur Gang.

I can but that includes a scream or two.

The cold / cough is just nasty.

Just when you think it's going away,

It add something new to the main attraction.

I'm just too old for this.

Two weeks of coughing.

I need a vacation !!!

~ JC ~

Danger

Spring arrived and left me with a cold.

I've been thinking of

 Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Nasty little suckers.

Taking everything I can think of.

Just when I think I've won,

nope, the sore throat comes back.

The voice is going today.

That's ok.

I didn't have too much to say.

The back went out yesterday morning.

And, I mean really really out.

Been using everything I can think for that too.

Ice packs and pain sprays.

It's a double special this week.

Why ?

I leaned over to refill my Siamese's water dish.

Yes, that's a hard one to do.

Should have had a DANGER notice on it.

Been dealing with sharp pain all day.

So, Nasty Little Suckers

just seemed like the right thing

to explain what ails me lately.

I still like Spring though.

In case you all were wondering.

I'd just like to walk and bend over.

That's not too much to ask for,

is it.

Bubbles In The Sun

Spring has finally arrived in my part of the woods.

The sun is out. The rain is gone.

The green moss is everywhere but that's normal.

I am surrounded by the birds singing.

At night, beyond my fence and in the woods,

the frogs are singing all night long.

This happens every year.

Won't last too long but for now,

it's very nice to hear.

We had a lot of snow last month.

Everyone is saying what a warm Winter it was.

Not for me. It was very cold and snowy.

In the last two weeks, we got snow five times.

Crazy I tell you. Just nuts.

So today, while the sun got lost, I will enjoy it.

Still too cold to go out back but so nice to see.

My cat, Riley, is watching bird tv.

He does know how to enjoy a bubble bath in the sun.

I think he dreams of it during those colder months.

Anyway, Spring has arrived.

And, today is a good day here in the woods.

~ JC ~

Wish

~ * ~ * ~

There has been a great deal of sadness lately around me.

People I know are having hard times.

All things that you can't do anything about.

Life at it's hardest.

Times that you have to go through.

You hope you make it to the other side.

Whatever that other side brings.

Nothing I can do but offer words of advise.

Not that they will take it or listen but it's the only thing I can do.

Others are just going through a difficult time.

Life throws those at you more times than one would like.

I hope each day for all of these people.

There is a lot of them lately.

Not that my wishes will help them but again that's all I can do.

To wish for the peace and goodness to shine on each of them.

For them to make the right decisions for their paths.

To be brave in the unknown.

To not give up when you think you can't go on.

Life is just plain lousy at times.

Being an adult is hard.

Being a child can be too.

I just wish for all of them.

And, that is what I will continue to do.

~ JC ~

In A Good Place

~ * ~

I'm in a pretty good place.

I saw a movie about those old High School days.

I laughed a bit too much.

I wish we were all that sage at that age.

Unbelievable, that some were.

I was sort of.

I watched from my bench at lunch.

Those that were super popular and those who tried so much.

I was one of those who didn't give a dam.

Was so over that a year or two before.

Not to say that I wasn't one of those want to be's at one time.

A lot of my so called friends became cheerleaders or class officers.

Some of them even were dating the stars

 of the basket or football teams.

Me, I just decided not to be one of those follow along girls.

Nope, I walked my own road and still do.

Not to say I didn't do a bit of it .. again .. in college.

Joined a sorority ..

mostly cause my sort of religious Mom ..

told me I HAD too.

I did enjoy the ability to

 always have someone to go to a party with.

Didn't enjoy those ex cheerleaders

and popular girls being in my life.

They seem to want to tell people like me ..

who don't think they are fabulous .. off.

As if that's going to make me think more of them.

I have always seen people for who they are.

Just people.

So, as I watched that show ...

 while sipping my coffee ..

 and letting the dogs in and out ..

which they just love to make me do ...

I thought that even though I am not purrfect in the least ...

that I'm in an ok place and probably always have been.

I just wish I'd known that back in those earlier days.

Back when I was the side kick of

 those up and coming popular gals.

And believe me, I was ..

in ninth grade my sort of best friend became cheerleader.

The next year she pretended she didn't know who I was.

Then, my sort of best friend ..

 and by then I already knew how fragile that term was ..

well she started to date those athletes ..

so again I was supposed to follow and I didn't.

I even went to one of those big parties my Senior year ..

 another sort of friend just had to go.

I watched and laughed.

They just were not all that even if they thought they were.

And, again one of those cheerleaders tried

to tell me off in her own way.

As if I was going to go woo ahhh at her.

Nope, instead I told her off.

You should have seen her face.

And, as you can guess,

 no I did not go to any of the reunions.

I was too busy enjoying my life.

I should have gone though for the laughs.

And, that as I say, are my thoughts on this spitty rain Sunday.

By the way, my third cup of coffee

is really good and not crunchy.

(you'd have to read my other blog to know what I mean)

~ JC ~

Cold but Springlike

~ ~ ~

It's a cold but sort of nice Tuesday.

The sun is trying to warm up the ice that's left from the snow.

Yes, we got snow. What a Winter we are having.

Anyway, the sun has melted most of it.

The dogs water dish is a slushy mix though.

Reminders of what was and is suppose to arrive soon.

Snow on Thursday. Say it isn't so.

I like it on trees. So pretty but driving in it. Yikes !!!

The one day I actually have appointments

and down the big hill too.

Puppy class is on Thursdays.

Not that I'm thrilled to go.

She and I aren't doing well with our homework.

I'm too old to be doing tricks.

I need a stunt double.

She's not interesting in the treats I got

so no down or come for her.

I am feeling just a tiny bit better.

Still have other appointments to make

to find out what's what and all that.

For today though, I have sort of hope.

That this struggle that I'm in is fine for today.

Mentally, I am having some thoughts.

Going over this and that and the other.

To go back, I think I'd pick the other path.

It would be hard but maybe I'd be happier.

Who knows though.

Crystal ball would have been nice to have.

And, that's my Cold but Springlike update.

~ JC ~