Walk With Me

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So, I was trying and still am, to pretend.
Only it's really hard to do.
My back, which started all this old body nonsense
in the first place, has decided to remind me of that.
My back is a total mess.
I mean a disaster.
I had a procedure done in early May to help it.
It sort of worked.
Then I had to have the kidney surgery
and the following three weeks of pain
followed by another kidney procedure.
A day later, I woke up to not being able to
put my foot down without a level 15 pain.
I have been like this for almost a week now.
Nothing will help. Nothing.
I am now dependent on others for everything.
I've used ice packs.
I use my cane but the pain is terrible after
just a few steps with me sitting down
and crying a lot.
I cry every day and lots.
I've gone over my future.
It isn't bright.
It isn't nice at all.
I'm using the pain pills from previous times.
My only choice is to pretend.
I am going away for a while.
When I get back, I will do the Dr. things again.
Only the back Dr. didn't give me pain meds.
He told me to do physical therapy.
I couldn't do that due to the kidney procedure.
Now, I can't walk.
I sit a lot.
Yesterday, I watched people walk and cried.
I am so envious of the simple things in life.
I am so mad at the universe.
I can't even tell you how upset I am.
I can't even make coffee.
I can't stand that long.
I am a mess.
I will keep trying to pretend.
I will.

~ JC and the squirrel who is yelling at me from my tree ~