My Thoughts On Six Years

~ ~ ~

Today was a remarkable one.

It was the six year mark.

I was put in a coma

so that I would have a

chance of surviving.

I wouldn't have made it

if they hadn't done that.

I had the flu.

It went into sepsis.

Only I didn't know it.

I thought because I didn't have

a fever anymore, that I was better.

Nope, my body had totally shut down.

I remember some things.

Others I think were in my fog.

I do recall being asked to stay.

I said no, I had things to do.

I woke up almost two weeks later.

I couldn't move.

I was in intensive care for a while.

Then to the surgical ward.

Then off to the rehab ward.

Later, when I could walk a bit

and use my hands, I went home.

Had in home therapy for a bit.

I remember sitting.

Nothing much going on.

The computer was my friend.

I would look at things.

Find words that I didn't know.

Which was a lot.

It's been a struggle.

Mentally I'm almost ok.

And, by almost I mean that

I can make it through the day.

I don't get as many headaches.

I'm not as weak on my side as I was.

I don't fall as much.

I don't have flashbacks as much.

Things are easier.

From the outside, no would know.

I look down when I walk

cause falling isn't as much fun

as one would think.

I survived.

I came home.

I have become the new me.

The old one died that night.

And, I now go for year seven.

Just thought I'd write out my thoughts.

It's not easy to relearn to walk.

It brings you peace.

The simply things do.

I don't like mean people anymore.

Not that I ever did but I just can't tolerate them.

If everyone could be in my shoes.

Just for a bit.

They would be kinder, I think.

So, there you go.

Here's to six years.

Let's make seven even better.

~ JC ~

My thoughts on my sixth anniversary

from going into a coma due to sepsis.

Lights Are Shining

The lights are shining.

The tree welcomes me into the room.

I sit with my coffee,

it's almost a week

til the celebrations begin.

I enjoy the colors

the smells

the singing of old songs.

Not the shopping

in mass crowds

The wonder that was

my younger holiday

is what I try to

regain during

these colder days.

So I wish to all of you

a Merry Holiday Season.

Be it sitting by the fire

or under the tree batting

at the decorations.

~ JC ~

I wrote about the

Holiday Season

I Do Remember That Day

~ ~ ~

I remember sitting there.

I had almost forgotten to do it.

Time was getting away from us.

I woke her from a nap.

She was in her favorite spot.

I was ready.

I held her for that moment.

She wasn't happy.

I'm not sure she even knew or remembered.

And, time it went along.

She went back to sleep.

I finished cleaning up.

Years later when I see it,

I remember that day.

I remember her.

It's been long enough that I have forgotten.

I don't think about her like I used to.

Isn't that a shame.

She was the love of my life.

And, I forget about her.

Only when I look I see two old ladies.

I do remember that day.

~ JC ~

Written about a photo of my cat,

Cashmere & I posing in front 

of the Holiday tree almost a long

long time ago.

She Continues To Write Even On Mondays

~ ~ ~

She thinks back to those moments that gave her hints.

The times she thought what the hell was that.

Through the years they arrived.

She would get mad.

He would explain.

She would forgive.

And, time would go by.

As the years went on,

 those times would come more often than in the beginning.

She thought back to those earlier times.

How could she have not noticed.

How could she have thought

they were just a one time thing.

Innocence and just plain couldn't believe it.

The fact that she didn't know him at all.

The fact that her heart was so broken

 that it had mended itself

with a fading scar.

Only now that scar had ripped.

 And her soul was leaking.

And, this time she can't make excuses.

She's out of them.

And, now she sits wondering

Where will she go

What will she do

Oh what the hell

What the hell

~ JC ~

I'm picking topics and writing about them.

This one was about a relationship

and seeing where the trouble

first showed up.

I bet you can't wait to see

what I'll write about next.

All ten of you or is there really three.

On Friday She Writes

There is always that scene where she is looking out the window.

Barely awake, eyes half open.

She sees something out of the corners of her sleep.

Has to wipe the moistness off the windows with her hand.

Cold as can be.

And, there, waiting for her, he sits on the metal bench.

No flowers in his hand.

Nothing for her.

She notices that he is texting on his phone.

Nothing has changed.

Nothing ever will she thinks.

So, as the bus comes to a stop.

She gets her things collected.

Waits her turn to get out of her seat.

Steps slowly off the bus steps.

And, while he is busy texting again,

she fades into the group

and walks away,

leaving him there.

A grin starts to come

she can't help herself.

How long will it take him

to notice that she's gone.

She really doesn't care.

At the street curb

she waits in line for a taxi,

Looking back to see,

if he has noticed,

and of course he has not.

Where to Mame,

the taxi drivers asks her.

Home, she says and gives

him her address.

And, when she gets there

she is all alone.

And, when he calls later,

she does not answer.

A clean break is what she

needs, and a fresh start

to a new Season.

~ JC ~

Thoughts On Thursday

~ ~ ~

And with the rhythm

There was a serge

It was my heart

Beating like it was on it's last

Where do we go

I have no idea

I'm lost in the world I've created

Pretending

Always pretending

Waiting to see if this one

Was real and with time

It was for a moment

I kept knowing in the back

Of my mind

 That this was not

It was broken

I was broken

I always would be

I always have been

~ JC ~

One Of Those Days

~ ~ ~

Days go by like they are supposed to do.

Only some are the kind that are remarkable.

Where you figure things out.

Today was one of those.

Not that I've been in a cloud.

Just things added up.

Two plus two finally equaled forty three.

~ JC ~

She Writes On Fridays

                       ~  ~  ~                     

If I walked slow enough,

I'd miss the bus.

That would give me enough time

to go into the library and find my corner.

The one on the top floor,

 where I sat and read my books.

I wasn't in a hurry anyway.

I've always liked to just stroll.

Walk slowly while watching the world.

I always have.

I take in most everything that some don't notice.

The leaves on the ground.

The wind blowing.

While I was inside reading about grand adventures,
others stood waiting by the trees.

I would eventually go out there.

I always had my other eye on the clock.

No need to be early for standing in that line.

Adventures to read about.

Later while I road on the bus,
 I'd be thinking about what I had read.

Only this time it was me

traveling in time and dealing

and homework machines.

~ JC ~

Everyone Does

~ ~ ~

Sitting inside the old room, she looked around.

Everyone was the same except for their shoes.

Most had brown with white.

Some ventured and wore plain brown.

One girl in the second row, wore red.

Made the powers that were mad.

A call home and still the next day,

she wore them.

The calling card of what would be.

Even at this age,

she fought to be.

If you look hard enough,

everyone does.

~ JC ~

I'm going to try
with try underlined
to write on Fridays.

Celebrate

In the grand plan that is my journey,

something good has happened.

My life has been a bit of this and that.

A twist here and there.

Major things have appeared.

Hung over my head like a cloud

raining and pouring and fogging up,

the total air that I breath.

It's gone.

Now, to deal with the fear.

Without this to twist and turn about,

what will I do.

It took over my thoughts,

was always there.

Held back the what if's,

always in control.

Of course something else

will takes it's place but

for now

I wish to celebrate

~ JC ~

My Soul

I have not been here in a while.

My Summer was busy.

Doing warm things.

My dog, Bella, died suddenly.

I've been in a spin since then.

My nervous breakdown last Spring put me in a

 'find the peace in each moment' mode.

I've spent a lot of time with Maddy Jean.

She is just sad.

Lonely.

Needs her sister back.

I am sad too.

I want her back.

I know that I can't ever get her back.

I've been looking for a new friend

for Maddy Jean and for me.

Each one that I think fits in,

gets adopted before I can get them.

My two kids are both at college.

First time that I'm all alone.

By myself.

Just the dogs .. dog ... and cats

and the husband.

Time to reflect on me.

My life.

Where it's been.

Where it's going.

The me that I lost.

The me that I want to find.

(if I'm not too late)

I'm tired.

Life has gotten to me.

I'm mad at what I think is not fair.

I know life isn't fair.

I'm just mad.

I want my Bella back.

I want me back.

A part of me died with her.

I can't pretend anymore.

I'm not sure I have it in me anymore.

I think I need time.

I need to do this without having another breakdown.

They aren't as much fun as one would think.

And, that is what I've been doing.

Aren't you glad you asked.

You did ask didn't you.

~ JC ~

Walk With Me

Can't believe that it's almost mid July already.

June was busy for me.

My son graduated from High School.

Took him to his Freshmen orientation at his University.

Now, I've been buying his 'things' for his room.

Just a few items left that he can get himself.

Come August both my kids will be away studying.

First time in almost twenty two years that it will be

just me and the cats and dogs and Mr. Boatman.

Where did the time go ?

I'm at the beach place for a couple of weeks.

Came down last week for the fourth,

Staying a few more weeks with the Purr & Fur Gang.

(The roof is being replaced at home so there was

no point in taking the Gang to and from.)

It's very quiet here.

Just the Gang and me during the week.

Mr. Boatman comes down on weekends.

I'll probably head on back home in late July.

Til then I go on walks on the beach.

(when the tides are out)

I look for small sand dollars and angel wings.

(That's what I call the small scallop shells that are still together.)

When the tide is in, it's like a big lake.

I walk down our small road and over the bridge.

I walk the loop around the Island.

Small boats and cottages with the cozy feel.

I truly enjoy this area.

I wish I could take my dogs with me.

Bella's leg is not allowing her to go on walks anymore.

She needs to be a walk slowly around the yard dog now.

Old age just is mean sometimes.

I might be able to take Maddy Jean by herself,

if I can manage to separate my girls.

They are always together.

And, I mean always.

So, that is my update.

Aren't you glad you know more about me

than you ever thought you'd want.

~ JC ~

Living The Good Life

I have been busier than normal lately.

Could be that Spring was so rainy.

With a couple of nicer weeks,

I've been busy in the yard.

Not me exactly but the crew I hired.

For the first time, I gave up

 and hired someone

to do my yards.

It looks so nice now.

Also, my youngest graduates

from High School this week.

After that, I think that the

Summer will be relaxing.

No big plans at all.

I plan on dreaming

and living the good life.

While I pet those

sweet purr and fur balls,

of course.

Not real exciting but

it's so much in the plan.

~ JC ~

Thoughts On Thursday

I've been calmer lately.

Which is so nice.

My soul was weary and tired.

I sometimes figure things out.

Others times I am in
worn out from my journey mode.

I am blessed to be where I am.

Joy of life and the sadness
 it sometimes brings.

It's all a path we walk.

Mine has been bumpy

and full of what ifs.

This week I've been quiet.

As if the turn I've made,

was the right one.

Where do I go from here ?

Always walking.

Turning that corner.

Looking at this or that.

Smelling those darn roses.

They are so nice

even with those thorns.

~ JC ~

Hope you all enjoy

your long weekend.



Nothing but the truth

I wanted to write something witty.

Not happening.

I'll just tell the truth.

Which is what I usually do

and that is what has gotten me

in trouble most of my life.

That and my face.

I'm always told that my face

says something different and

shows emotions to others

that I don't really mean.

What am I to do ?

Be stone.

Anyway, on this rainy morning

I thought I'd say that

my life has been a turn and twist.

I'd just like things to go smooth.

Not happening.

I've survived a lot physically and emotionally.

I'm old.

I'm worn out.

I just want to take a long nap

like my cats do.

I will continue on.

I always do.

I will figure out what's best for me.

I usually do that too.

I just hope my face doesn't give me away.

Darn it all ...

if a gal can't hide behind her own

what can she do.

Drink perhaps ...

And these are my thoughts on another rainy morning.

~ JC ~

Potential

I see potential in the skies

Clouds that mask the blue

Always drifting and giving hope

The warmth that might stay

The light that shines through

I am a believer

that one may find

their soul

hidden within

~ JC ~

Chairs For Two

This is what I saw out of my patio door.
After driving hours through the Mountains,
to get to the end of my travels.
~~
This hotel is supposed to be fancy.
I just needed a relaxing last place
to settle while waiting for my plane.
~~
I did not get a view of the pool.
Which is nice I hear.
I got a view of the rocky hill.
A path that lead to a ball park view.
A mini table with bright chairs.
~~
I still remember sitting out there.
Thinking it was getting a bit chilly.
Now, I'm home
and have been living
 in the rain for weeks.
~~
I might have to go back
to visit a warm place.
~~
Maybe not that particular place
but at least one with two chairs
that sit in the warmth.
~ JC ~

Birds Sang To Me

This is a sunset in Sedona, Arizona.

The cold breeze was biting at me while I waited.

I think it was worth it though.

I went on a warm adventure.

Looking at cactus and hills.

Birds sang to me in the morning.

Red ones which I don't get where I live.

Now, I am back to the moist coolness of my world.

I really enjoyed my adventure.

~ JC ~

Cold Sunset

In mid February,

 I went to the Ocean for a quick visit.

This was the view from the balcony.

A lovely sunset welcomed me.

I watched as long as I could.

(Being cold as can be and frozen out.)

March is here.

I so hope it is warmer.

Next time I visit,

I'm planning on sitting in the sun.

I'll show you that photo too.

Here's to warmer days ...

~ JC ~

I found it !!!

It's been a cold wet February.

January was just the same.

Throw in a snow flake or two.

I caught this blue

hidden within the clouds.

It's up there.

I'll be waiting ...

~ JC ~

January Sky

I took this shot at our vacation place.

Cold as can be outside.

Maybe it's the cold

that makes these skies.

I had to venture out

onto the icy deck

and take a few

photos.

The Holidays are over.

The clean up is almost done.

Just minor things left to do.

Life has already thrown

us a few

oh my god

moments.

These things we cannot

do anything about.

We have to ride

the waves

to the end.

Til then I will

try to find

the simply

joys in life.

Sometimes it's hard

but even if it is

there's always

a

grand sky

to remind me

that

no matter

what

happens

it's

going to be

ok.

Happy New Year

~ JC ~