Numb But Still Dancing

                             ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My mind is a bit blank.
No big thoughts going.
Just the numb reality.
I can't think too much.
Have to live in the now.

Went to my fancy specialist.
I am on the schedule.
Will be having a fix me up surgery.
Using a robotic machine.

Til then, I hope to keep numb.
Don't want to think about what will be.
It won't be fun.
I won't feel like dancing.
Not even a song in my numbness.

After all this, many weeks away,
I hope to be OK.
This fancy Dr. thinks he can fix my kidney.
What a mess I will be after though.

Here's to survival.
What a road I have to take to get there.

For now, I'll pretend I'm fine.
Course the pills he gave me, help.

Don't ever waste that moment
to dance to the music.

Who cares what others think.
It's that moment that will get you
through the nasty hours of our existence.

Just saying ...

~ JC and several members of the Purr and Fur Gang ~

I Will

~ ~ ~ ~

As a new day arrives, so does the new perspective.

I find that with time, the oddities of my life slow down.

What seemed terrible when first marching into my world,

now has been looked at over and over again.

 

Nothing has changed.

Still terrible choices.

Only now it's an old topic.

Been talked about and twisted around.

 

Still don't know what's best.

I wish to pretend again.

Only this time, I can't.

 

Will I be strong enough to do all of this.

I really don't know.

Mentally I'm worn out and I haven't even started this fight.

 

With a new day, I see the beauty.

The reason why I fight.

Only I really don't want this.

To be always on the edge.

 

For today though, I can.

Lists were made.

Things are in wait.

 

I can dance and laugh today.

And, you better bet I will.

 

~ JC ~

Things To Think About

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Yesterday, I cried a bit more than I thought I would.
I was a bit nervous.
Shaky actually.
Told myself that I could handle this.
Nope, as the words came, I started to cry.
Big tears just rolling down my face.
How stupid is it that this happens.
Especially when you don't want it to.

The news I got wasn't good.
Many questions.
Things to think about.

Today, I realize that my time might be fading.
Many many things are telling me that this is the fight of my life.

I'm tired.
Very ...

How many times do you have to fight like this to survive ?
My old body seems like it's going to win this time.

Was told that I am in a holding pattern.
Not to go too far away as I could go into renal failure.
Was told that my situation is so bad that I'm kind of stuck.

Going to a new specialist.
They have done this fancy surgery more times.

I heard two or three big surgeries.
I kind of got lost while the words were being said.

I went over it all again in my head.
I just can't win.
No matter what I do.

The world just wants me.

So, today, I will make a list.
Things that I want to do.
Things that I need to take care of.

I was told I have no choice.
If I do nothing, I go fast.
If I do something, I can also go.

Was a great day other than that though.

Just saying ...

~ JC ~

Foggy Peace

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The cold has finally let up a bit.
It's been foggy though.
Deep and chilling.
The sun came out for a while.
Was really nice to see.
Still cold though.
Can only be out for a while.
With the fog, comes a ban on fires.
Thus, the heater vent is very popular with my cats.
The new heated floors are too.

I've found peace this week.
Which was so needed.
I feel so much better with it.
It's what I need.
It's what I have to have.

I can do nothing about the wildness
that is my life except to always
seek the peace in what surrounds me.

Like I've said before,
I will no longer allow those around
me who have issues or baggage
that I once put up with and now
I do not and will not.

Change it's a good thing.
At least this kind is.

~ JC ~

Thoughts On A Cold Winter Morning

~ ~ ~

In life there are times when the world tells you what to do.

You wish you could go a different way but it can't be.

I walk slowly down this path.

Not wanting to look either way.

It's like a very dark tunnel

where you see a bit of light at the end.

Only it's so dark with turns that

you don't even consider that last step.

You know that the light will be better.

That the walk will be worth it.

Only this time, it is an unknown.

Not one that I've done before.

I will walk and get there.

It's just an unknown world to me.

I really can't see the past or how long this will last.

I just am.

In this darkness traveling.

It's my new world.

I just wish there were a few windows

so I could see the colors around me.

I like to hear them.

The birds and nature and I will hope for these

to visit me from time to time.

The new jouney that I'm on.

 

~ JC ~

Edge Of My World

~ ~ ~

It's early but it seems late.

I've been awake for hours.

Didn't really rest.

Thoughts keep crossing my path.

Yesterday, I went to do a simple thing.

Ended up to not be. Simple that is.

Nothing big in the world.

Just in mine.

A bother I didn't need.

So, today, I think.

What to do.

I have other things going on.

Like I usually do.

I pretend that my life is fine.

I keep the peace and quiet near.

The woods and beach keep me sane.

Without my pretending, I'd run wild.

Screaming and yelling and tearing.

Instead, I go into my pretend mode.

Only sometimes I get very reminded.

That my life is not what I'd like.

There is nothing I can do.

I watch the morning arrive.

Tell my cats that bird TV is almost on.

They sit with me in the dark.

Waiting.

By the way, today is pretty good.

I look at my calender.

I am reminded of an appointment.

The realness of my situation rattles my quiet.

I cannot pretend.

Serious talks go on.

Will my heart need surgery.

Will my heart make it through the two other surgeries I need.

Will my kidney let me have time.

All of these surgeries will make my back attack.

Things I now have to think about and schedule.

The end of my quiet.

The memories of what will follow.

That is if I make it through all of these things.

So, I pretend even as I can't.

 

~ JC ~

The Storm Has Past

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The storm has past.
The new air can be felt.
It breezes by me.
I know it's there.
I have hope for a new.
I live in a pretend world.
Thinking just for the day.
Whatever comes tomorrow,
well, it's to be dealt with later.
I do this for my survival.
It seems to have helped.
I do not worry about the bad until I have no choice.
Due to that, I will not have any undue stress.
No one and nothing that I can at least control,
will bother me in my quest for peace.
The life I want to live.
The moments that I need to have.
I have given notice.
Do not disturb.
I will find peace.
I will live in harmony with my needs.
I will, like always, survive.

~ JC ~