What A Great View

~ ~ ~

There was a time when I needed more than I got.

Confused and upset was my middle name.

With time, I realized that being just me was fine.

Only that takes a long time to get to that place.

I wanted so much.

I got only a glimmer.

Was sad for the wanting

that didn't get satisfied.

Knowing how well I could have done.

Never getting that chance.

It took several years to be OK with it.

Not being what I thought I would.

Living a totally different life.

Setting new goals.

Being a person who did what had to be done.

It takes a toll on a soul.

Today, I know what it takes.

The journey and breaking down.

If I could tell myself, that I'd be fine.

That the worry wasn't worth it.

That time machine called life

would kick me so many times

that I'd get used to it.

Nah, the journey.

It's the walking along that path

that gets us to the moments

we are in.

Was my walk hard.

At times, yes it was.

Others got while I did not.

The learning curve was high.

Each time, I would evaluate.

Knowing that it was worth it.

So, as I sit here thinking

about my life,

I know that for the most part

I had a hell of a ride

and would do it all again.

~ JC ~

(These are my thoughts as I go into my 

sort of dangerous surgery tomorrow.

I could be fine, if everything goes well. 

A bit sore (to say the least) and should

recover after a few weeks.

 Or, things go wrong.

 Oh well, I'm used to that.

Anyway, it's been a fun ride.

 Bumpy but what a great view I had.)

Thoughts Of You

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The past waits.
Unclear as to when it will come back.
And, come back it will.
No warnings.
Just sitting there.
Staring you in the face.
Haven't thought of you in a while.
Yet, you sat there like it was yesterday.
Reminding me of what I lost.
Youth and the mind set that goes with it.
Could I really have been that young.
Done all of those things.
And, walked away and never looked back.
Seems like a life time ago.
Someone else's life, not mine.
You smiled at me with the smirk of yours.
Knowing all that we went through.
The pain it took to walk from you.
Still you remind me of who I was.
Hidden within she still is.
Forgotten but part of who I am today.
I look back and see you for the reason you are.
Not to go over the bad but to remind of the new.
You will always be a part of me.
Even if I'd forgotten, just for a while,
who you were.

~ JC ~

Give Me Strength

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I don't know what to say except I've been busy.
Doing my list of this and that.
Several appointments.
Tests and things to get ready for next week.
Dealing with stupid insurance companies.
Who changes the ID number on a card
a month after the first card was issued ?
My insurance company.
No letter.
Had to call them.
They said they didn't know anything about it.
Called me later in the day and told me to use the new number.
I then had to call all sorts of places.
I will probably get billed for those that use the wrong one.
Just part of dealing with all of this.

One more appointment this week.
Then, time off for good behavior, I guess.
My surgery is late in the week.
Day before is prep day,
so, I'm home that then too.

I go tomorrow for a last check in
with the surgeon who is fabulous
but not personable .. you know how that goes.

Have to have my what to wake up to list.

And, emotionally, I'm doing fine.
Was a mini wreck for a while.
It's the little things.
Might be like that again.
For now though, I'm fine.
Maybe cause I'm in pretend mode.

At the testing area for surgery,
where I was today,
there were so many who checked in,
(I got there a bit early and was waiting)
heart troubles, other troubles,
things I wouldn't want to have.
Oh, what am I saying,
I do have heart trouble.
Just not the kind the two people
were describing test wise to the lady.

So, I hope to have some dignity
when I wake up and find what I do.
When I come home, and reality bites me.

Oh, please please give me the strength
to make it through this.

That's all I'm asking ...

Til next time,

~ JC ~

My Woods

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It's a quiet morning.
A few birds singing to my cats
but other than that, it's quiet.

Makes me think about my love of these woods.
My home is set down a long driveway.
Trees surround me on three sides.
It's like my own wooded area
set inside a sort of crowded neighborhood.

I find myself staying home a lot.
If I don't need to go out,
why leave this peace.

Even in the colder months,
this place is still a calm in the storm that is my life.
When it's warm, oh the woods come alive.
Not that they aren't always
but the movement is more noticeable.
Birds, butterfly's, owls, coyotes, deer.
They all make noise and visit my woods.

Only today, while it's quiet,
I think of the wonder of nature.
My love for it.
I have always enjoyed a walk or stroll,
as I have never walked fast.
Always stepping slowly while taking in
all the goodness that is around me.

If I could, I'd probably live in my woods
forever and only come out into the noise
when I absolutely had to.

Oh, that's what I do now.

Enjoy your quiet and peace
where ever you find it.

~ JC ~