Muggy

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Another muggy July has gone by in my beloved woods.
Overcast in the mornings,
maybe a bit of sunshine in the afternoons,
often times just clouds.
The evenings can be chilly or muggy as can be.

A few days were nice but only maybe seven .. tops.

Today, is one of those muggy, might be nice days.
I've already opened and closed windows several times.
I'm trying Summer clothes but will see if that lasts.

As you can tell, I'm on the West coast.
Not one of those warmer parts of my state.
That is for sure.

Only on one of those nice days.
It is gorgeous here.
Visitors are amazed that when the rain
leaves we have this wonder to enjoy.

With all of this weather wise going on,
I have endured another month of my
old lady pains.

They have improved.
I can walk.
I can stand.
Still in pain but not a ten.
Maybe a four to a six .. depending.

May August bring me a zero.
Ok, let's hope for a three.
Which means that I'd almost forget
what this mean back of mine has
done to me this Spring and Summer.

So, I raise my Diet Peach Ice Tea
to all of you .. ha ha .. all two or one of you,
and wish you a fabulous August.

~ JC ~

Progress

Another week has gone.
I've been busy with life.
I'd say that my pain level is better.
I'm able to do a few things.
Make coffee in the morning.
Feed the dogs.
Small but still so nice.

I can walk more.
With pain but more bearable.

I've gone to a Dr.
She's sending me to a Cardiologist.
Due to my heart going crazy during my kidney surgery.

I'll make that appointment for August sometime.
I'm going in for my spine Dr. appointment in two weeks.
I put it out that far because I wanted to be able to take myself.
I wanted to be able to drive.
I like doing things myself without needed others to help me.

I got a bit of me back this week.
I drove with an ice pack on my back.
I got there and walked very slowly with my cane.
Still I did that three times this week.
Major progress.

I also, made decisons about my life.

I don't need to do things that I don't want to do.
I live in a different world than most.
The simply pleasures of sitting outside
watching my dogs play in the sun
without me being in pain.
That is all I needed.
And, I got that.

So, this has been a good week.

~ JC ~

At Least For Today

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I am at peace for now.

The sun has brought me back.

Mentally that is.

I've sat in the warmth for days.

Thought of the past and dream of the new.

Spent my days rocking in my chair.

Sitting by the water just looking.

My pain is less.

Still there though.

Enough to remind me that I'm

not the same old cat lady who

lives in the woods.

It has given me hope.

Maybe with time

and ice, I can get better.

I goal is to drive.

To walk about at the grocery store.

That's a silly one but so needed.

You wouldn't believe what my

family brings home. Yikes !!!

I'd like to be able to stand

and make morning coffee.

To clean up the kitchen.

There are so many things

that require standing on

a leg that I'll let you make

that list for me.

Then add in walking a distance

say around a grocery store.

You have my problem.

And, as I said, I am hopeful.

At least for today.

* * *

~ JC ~

Tired

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm tired.
Worn out actually.
My leg pain has got the best of me.
As it continues on,
my ability to pretend has disappeared.
It's not new now.
Just a pain that will not go away.
It's real.
It's every single moment.
Very breath.

I don't sleep well.
Always in some sort of pain.
When I do,
I wake with the hope.
I move and there it goes.

I will start calling next week.
Til then, I will hope that
the next bag of ice
cures my back and
my leg pain will be gone.

One can hope.
I still have a bit of that left.

I don't do much.
I'm just trying to make it.
I'm sure some of you with pain
know what I mean.

I'm just tired.

~ JC ~

For A Moment

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I woke up and thought for just one moment
that I was normal but no I was not.
If only I could stay in that position forever
or for at least a day or two.
I get up and take that first step.
Seems ok.
Two more and the leg gets crampy.
A few more and I'm limping with pain.
By the time I make it to the bathroom,
I'm hurting like crazy.
Sitting seems to help.
Whatever is wrong with my lousy
old cat lady back seems to improve
with sitting.
Not always though.
The right leg cramps up terribly
on the bottom half of the leg.
Wraps around the leg and tries
to strangle the life out of it.
The foot turns almost blue
and the pain keeps on going.
Thus, if my life.
Pain is all in the levels.
Am I ever out of pain ..
no not really.
Except for that one moment
when I first wake up.
I'm usually in a good mood
in the morning.
All depends on how much I
have to walk.
I sit several times along the way
to wherever I need to go.
The pain is just that bad.
Doesn't matter where I am.
I have to sit.
Next week I will be on my own.
I have to start going to Dr's.
Won't that be fun.
No, it won't.
Are you all jealous
Do you want my pain
By the end of the day,
I'm worn out.
I go to bed early
and try to find the purrfect
place where my leg, foot what ever
won't hurt.
And, thus goes my stuggle to regain
what I used to be.

~ JC ~

Mental

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Today the sun is warm.
Yesterday, it was also cozy.
I am dealing.
It's all a mental game.
Yesterday, it (pain level) was better by ten percent.
That is saying a lot.
Today, it is different.
I can walk more without having to sit down.
By sit down, I mean literally sit down
wherever I am at the time.
Be it grass, floor or whatever.
What is wrong with my back
seems to improve if I sit
and find the perfect place
for my leg to be positioned.
Today, I am doing ok.
I am on ice constantly.
My leg improves if I put ice on it
and on my back at the same time.
Again, all a mental game.

I am thinking of a plan of attack.
Go to a primary care to tell her all
that is happening to me at the same time.
Go to a heart person to see why my heart races
and slows down. What a disaster that problem is.
Next, to the back specialist to see if they want
to do another procedure or wait til my second
kidney surgery is done .. in October.
Cause, the back specialist said he could only
do three procedures before he sends me to
a back Dr to operate. Which I think I'm leaning
towards at this point cause I can't figure out
how to keep this back from not being injured.
Since I do have to have another kidney surgery
done in a few months due to the kidney failure
diagnosis if I don't. And, let's not forget about
the heart which races during surgery. And, then
there is the possibility of having diabetes. Yes,
it's a multi problem kind of attack.

Thus, the need to get away with ice packs in hand
to figure out what to do next. A mental vacation
to say the least.

And, that as they say is today's update.
Not bad really. I'm doing much better mentally.
The physical me is down the drain but the mental
me is improving.

Oh, and I hope your 4th of July was fun.

~ JC ~

Walk With Me

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So, I was trying and still am, to pretend.
Only it's really hard to do.
My back, which started all this old body nonsense
in the first place, has decided to remind me of that.
My back is a total mess.
I mean a disaster.
I had a procedure done in early May to help it.
It sort of worked.
Then I had to have the kidney surgery
and the following three weeks of pain
followed by another kidney procedure.
A day later, I woke up to not being able to
put my foot down without a level 15 pain.
I have been like this for almost a week now.
Nothing will help. Nothing.
I am now dependent on others for everything.
I've used ice packs.
I use my cane but the pain is terrible after
just a few steps with me sitting down
and crying a lot.
I cry every day and lots.
I've gone over my future.
It isn't bright.
It isn't nice at all.
I'm using the pain pills from previous times.
My only choice is to pretend.
I am going away for a while.
When I get back, I will do the Dr. things again.
Only the back Dr. didn't give me pain meds.
He told me to do physical therapy.
I couldn't do that due to the kidney procedure.
Now, I can't walk.
I sit a lot.
Yesterday, I watched people walk and cried.
I am so envious of the simple things in life.
I am so mad at the universe.
I can't even tell you how upset I am.
I can't even make coffee.
I can't stand that long.
I am a mess.
I will keep trying to pretend.
I will.

~ JC and the squirrel who is yelling at me from my tree ~