For A Moment

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I woke up and thought for just one moment
that I was normal but no I was not.
If only I could stay in that position forever
or for at least a day or two.
I get up and take that first step.
Seems ok.
Two more and the leg gets crampy.
A few more and I'm limping with pain.
By the time I make it to the bathroom,
I'm hurting like crazy.
Sitting seems to help.
Whatever is wrong with my lousy
old cat lady back seems to improve
with sitting.
Not always though.
The right leg cramps up terribly
on the bottom half of the leg.
Wraps around the leg and tries
to strangle the life out of it.
The foot turns almost blue
and the pain keeps on going.
Thus, if my life.
Pain is all in the levels.
Am I ever out of pain ..
no not really.
Except for that one moment
when I first wake up.
I'm usually in a good mood
in the morning.
All depends on how much I
have to walk.
I sit several times along the way
to wherever I need to go.
The pain is just that bad.
Doesn't matter where I am.
I have to sit.
Next week I will be on my own.
I have to start going to Dr's.
Won't that be fun.
No, it won't.
Are you all jealous
Do you want my pain
By the end of the day,
I'm worn out.
I go to bed early
and try to find the purrfect
place where my leg, foot what ever
won't hurt.
And, thus goes my stuggle to regain
what I used to be.

~ JC ~

Mental

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Today the sun is warm.
Yesterday, it was also cozy.
I am dealing.
It's all a mental game.
Yesterday, it (pain level) was better by ten percent.
That is saying a lot.
Today, it is different.
I can walk more without having to sit down.
By sit down, I mean literally sit down
wherever I am at the time.
Be it grass, floor or whatever.
What is wrong with my back
seems to improve if I sit
and find the perfect place
for my leg to be positioned.
Today, I am doing ok.
I am on ice constantly.
My leg improves if I put ice on it
and on my back at the same time.
Again, all a mental game.

I am thinking of a plan of attack.
Go to a primary care to tell her all
that is happening to me at the same time.
Go to a heart person to see why my heart races
and slows down. What a disaster that problem is.
Next, to the back specialist to see if they want
to do another procedure or wait til my second
kidney surgery is done .. in October.
Cause, the back specialist said he could only
do three procedures before he sends me to
a back Dr to operate. Which I think I'm leaning
towards at this point cause I can't figure out
how to keep this back from not being injured.
Since I do have to have another kidney surgery
done in a few months due to the kidney failure
diagnosis if I don't. And, let's not forget about
the heart which races during surgery. And, then
there is the possibility of having diabetes. Yes,
it's a multi problem kind of attack.

Thus, the need to get away with ice packs in hand
to figure out what to do next. A mental vacation
to say the least.

And, that as they say is today's update.
Not bad really. I'm doing much better mentally.
The physical me is down the drain but the mental
me is improving.

Oh, and I hope your 4th of July was fun.

~ JC ~