Edge Of My World

~ ~ ~

It's early but it seems late.

I've been awake for hours.

Didn't really rest.

Thoughts keep crossing my path.

Yesterday, I went to do a simple thing.

Ended up to not be. Simple that is.

Nothing big in the world.

Just in mine.

A bother I didn't need.

So, today, I think.

What to do.

I have other things going on.

Like I usually do.

I pretend that my life is fine.

I keep the peace and quiet near.

The woods and beach keep me sane.

Without my pretending, I'd run wild.

Screaming and yelling and tearing.

Instead, I go into my pretend mode.

Only sometimes I get very reminded.

That my life is not what I'd like.

There is nothing I can do.

I watch the morning arrive.

Tell my cats that bird TV is almost on.

They sit with me in the dark.

Waiting.

By the way, today is pretty good.

I look at my calender.

I am reminded of an appointment.

The realness of my situation rattles my quiet.

I cannot pretend.

Serious talks go on.

Will my heart need surgery.

Will my heart make it through the two other surgeries I need.

Will my kidney let me have time.

All of these surgeries will make my back attack.

Things I now have to think about and schedule.

The end of my quiet.

The memories of what will follow.

That is if I make it through all of these things.

So, I pretend even as I can't.

 

~ JC ~

Be Still My Heart

~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, so far August has been interesting to say the least.

Two days ago, I went to my spine pain Doctor.

He talked to me about my options.

Put me on a med for the nerve pain.

We decided to wait for another spine injection

until my next kidney surgery is over next Fall.

He told me he could do it three times total.

The next step is surgery.

Fun talks that I have with these Doctors.

The next day, yesterday, I got into a heart Doctor.

Nice guy. Nice nurse. Every thing was going well.

Until, he listened to my heart.

He sure can move fast.

He flew actually.

I was having an ekg in two minutes.

He said I was having an episode

and he wanted to catch it.

I'm thinking, ok, was I at the Mariner's game.

I've always wanted to catch a ball.

Not really but I'd like to go home with one.

Anyway, he tells me I need a heart monitor.

Of course I do. Why not. It's this Summer's latest.

Isn't it ?

He walks me to his nurses station.

She's on the phone and gets me in right away.

Like now right away.

That never happens in real life.

So, I go over there and read a magazine.

Thinking, is this really happening.

It's kind of odd being taped and wired

and all while looking everywhere but

where this guy is doing things to you.

All the while pretending that he isn't

doing what he's doing.

At these moments,

 it would be so nice

to be a guy.

So, I am wired and plugged in for 48 hours.

Not bad so far except it's just plain odd.

And, that is the latest and wildest.

I'm thinking that August is going to fun.

It's been thrilling so far.

Enjoy your weekend,

~ JC ~

I memorized you in my heart ...

You knew me a while ago

I was younger

You were too

I think of you often

My mind wonders

Where you are ?

Are you happy ?

I was when we were together

Am I now ?

I had to be

You didn't give me a choice

Do you remember me ?

Would you know me in a crowd ?

I'd know you

I memorized you in my heart