Too Much

~ ~ ~

It's mid December.

I survived my fifth surgery

in less than two years.

Eighteen months

to be exact.

 

I am now stone free.

My kidneys are good.

My left is stable for now.

May have to have it out

at no notice

but for now it is fine.

 

I had both operated on.

Since my kidneys love

to make stones.

The right is not damaged

as of yet.

I'll work on that. Not.

 

My heart was fine

during surgery.

Which surprised everyone.

Something went right for once.

 

I am home.

Almost recovered.

The surgery takes a toll

on my old back.

Ice packs have helped

but it still goes out

without notice.

Annoying to say the least.

 

May the Holiday now begin.

 Mentally I'm worn out

but my spirit is still here.

No more is what I ask.

Give me some time to relax

and enjoy a normal life.

 

Is that too much to ask for ?

 

~ JC ~

Warmth Needed

I am in hibernate mode.

This cooler weather has done me in.

The rain has arrived.

Not terrible but annoying.

Still have a few leaves

and the birds are still here.

Without that entertainment

I really don't know

what I'd do.

This being inside all the time

is just not for me.

I loved the past Spring and Summer.

I was able to be outside

most afternoons.

Either reading or just enjoying

the yard and it's surroundings.

 

I really need to move.

 

~ JC ~

Almost

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was bad news for me.
Nice man told me that it didn't work.
My fancy robotic surgery.
I've had two kidney surgeries.
Was told that I am worse instead of better or even stable.
Being schedule for surgery on my other kidney.
Have to repair that one too.
Was told that normally, we'd just leave those stones.
Not now.
We are in prepare to have one.
As in, table of one.
I'll take the kidney.

I'm in shock, I think.
Cried a bit but all that does is make my eyes look old
and worse than they were before.

Explains a lot though.
Pain wise.

No matter what I do, this old body of mine keeps thinking
of ways to get me.

I still plan on winning.
It's getting harder though.

I thought about it.
I'll give it one more try.

I am getting tired though.
Just want to give up.
I'm almost at that point.

~ JC ~

Figure

Sitting pretty, I was until the thoughts kept coming to me.
Where and why.
I don't have those answers.
Never have and probably won't ever.
I've actually been quite happy going along my path.
Walking and looking at things I see.
Hearing the sounds of life along the way.
Never did it get to me that I was just doing.
Nothing special. Not me.
I'm a quite soul.
Recently, I have the need to be doing more.
I don't know what yet.
Whether it's a shift in location or being.
Time, it might be running on me.
Thus, the need to figure this out.

~ JC ~

Just Saying

I have lost my ability to throw it all away and just dance.

I will look for it.

I will get it back.

Life does get to me sometimes.

I wish it didn't but it does.

I am not perfect. Not even close.

I sit here in my woods and I think.

Way too much.

About what was and what could have been.

The trail ahead of me is bumpy.

Too much so for a soft soul like me.

Only I keep going.

I always have.

I always will.

Only I'd like to dance along the way

and that I will find .. I will.

Maybe this afternoon.

I will remember that it is ok to be me.

I will be fine.

I won't cry every other minute.

It won't hurt to walk.

This is only temporary .. right.

The pain gets to me sometimes.

Only a bit cause I am used to it.

The heart that beats too fast

and makes me dizzy.

I will get that under control.

I will. I will.

The kidney that is not behaving.

Oh, let's just take that out.

Why not.

Like I said, sometimes it all gets to me.

All of it at the same time.

Today, yesterday, the day before that,

it took away my ability to dance.

Maybe today. I can be me again.

The world that I pretend in

will allow me to ...

Just saying over here in my woods.

Just saying that life is hard sometimes.

Just saying ...

 

~ JC ~