Edge Of My World

~ ~ ~

It's early but it seems late.

I've been awake for hours.

Didn't really rest.

Thoughts keep crossing my path.

Yesterday, I went to do a simple thing.

Ended up to not be. Simple that is.

Nothing big in the world.

Just in mine.

A bother I didn't need.

So, today, I think.

What to do.

I have other things going on.

Like I usually do.

I pretend that my life is fine.

I keep the peace and quiet near.

The woods and beach keep me sane.

Without my pretending, I'd run wild.

Screaming and yelling and tearing.

Instead, I go into my pretend mode.

Only sometimes I get very reminded.

That my life is not what I'd like.

There is nothing I can do.

I watch the morning arrive.

Tell my cats that bird TV is almost on.

They sit with me in the dark.

Waiting.

By the way, today is pretty good.

I look at my calender.

I am reminded of an appointment.

The realness of my situation rattles my quiet.

I cannot pretend.

Serious talks go on.

Will my heart need surgery.

Will my heart make it through the two other surgeries I need.

Will my kidney let me have time.

All of these surgeries will make my back attack.

Things I now have to think about and schedule.

The end of my quiet.

The memories of what will follow.

That is if I make it through all of these things.

So, I pretend even as I can't.

 

~ JC ~

The Storm Has Past

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The storm has past.
The new air can be felt.
It breezes by me.
I know it's there.
I have hope for a new.
I live in a pretend world.
Thinking just for the day.
Whatever comes tomorrow,
well, it's to be dealt with later.
I do this for my survival.
It seems to have helped.
I do not worry about the bad until I have no choice.
Due to that, I will not have any undue stress.
No one and nothing that I can at least control,
will bother me in my quest for peace.
The life I want to live.
The moments that I need to have.
I have given notice.
Do not disturb.
I will find peace.
I will live in harmony with my needs.
I will, like always, survive.

~ JC ~

Silence

~ ~ ~

Listen in the silence, so no one else can hear.

The thoughts of others traveling in your air.

I know the eyes that know the voice.

The channel of your views that walk your talk.

I see the looks that make you be.

Will not the value of your light be seen.

I know the truth.

The air you need to walk.

The knowledge you have that makes you real.

I listen to you.

I can hear your thoughts.

I look at you and you speak.

You are me.

I am you.

We all know what we mean.

 

~ JC ~

So There

The view from my beach place.

I'm staying here for a few weeks

while my old house in the woods

is being fixed up a bit.

~ ~ ~

With time and light, a new hope arrives.

I usually give myself a few days to recover.

Emotionally and other wise too.

What that means is that I pretend.

That bad stuff is over.

It was all a mistake.

I continue on through whatever pain I'm in.

It gets to me sometimes.

Other times, I throw it away.

Again, all a mental game.

The emotions of being in pain is tough.

Harder than I would have ever thought life could be.

Only I'm not ready yet.

To give up.

I keep on going like nothing has happened.

I start new each day.

Before I get up, I say a little something.

Hoping that I will be ok today.

If I walk slower, maybe I won't be in pain.

It sometimes works.

Sometimes not.

So, for today, I write my list.

I hope to get some things done.

It's the Holidays.

I don't want to be an old in pain lady.

Nope, I do not.

Whatever is waiting for me in the future,

can just wait.

I don't want to know about this option or that.

I have cancelled all Doctor appointments.

I don't care about this failure or that.

It can wait til January or maybe February.

I am in no hurry to be in pain.

I mean more pain than I already am.

I will pretend that nothing is wrong with me.

I'm going to do that til I can't do it anymore.

It's the Holidays.

I have things to do.

 

So there.

 

~ JC ~

Survivor

~ ~ ~

Been a while since I wrote.

Lots going on.

When isn't there actually.

Life sure has a plan for me.

Not always the one I want though.

There is an unknown trail that I follow.

Being lead by the this and that in my life.

I try. Oh, do I ever try.

Dealing with lots of health issues.

And, I mean lots.

If it were just one, even that would be a lot.

Nope, I get the three for one special.

Heart, Back and Kidney.

Let's have them all go out on me at the same time.

At this point, everything can be fixed.

At least, that is my hope at the moment.

Course, what do I know.

I have been trying to survive this old body of mine

for over seven years now.

Damaged goods would be the term for me.

I enjoy my life.

If I'm not in a lot of pain, it's been a good day.

Only it reminds me of my battle.

It says, borrowed time you silly old lady.

Don't forget that I am after you.

I will get you.

You like those hospital halls.

You thought I'd let you get away.

What a silly old lady.

And, still I fight.

Cause I am the one who got away.

I survived sepsis and woke up from a coma.

I relearned to walk and learned most of the words I lost along the way.

I stay at home so that my damaged mind is settled.

I write lists.

I try oh so hard.

To someone else, I look like an old lady.

Only I have the secret to surviving.

Be mad at hell that this has happened.

And, drink and be merry.

Will my survival skills work for me this time.

I really do not know.

As of now, I'm looking at two maybe three surgeries.

Will I wake up from them.

Maybe.

And, the pain that will come with them.

Oh, won't that be fun.

So, for today I write.

I say to the world

Hell No I Won't Go.

 

~ JC ~